The Masters 2007 at Augusta National

Ahhh yes, The Masters. The mother of all golf tournaments. The one weekend a year when African Americans are welcome on the fairways of the fine southern state of Georgia. The one weekend a year when chauvenists rule and feminists drool (in your face, Martha Burke). The one tournament you're virtually guaranteed will be won by one of the "big names." The most-watched PGA event of the year.

It's Masters time, folks. And to mark that occasion, I think we should all say thanks to Uncle Hootie for throwing this here shindig.

Oh, but this is the Bad Golfers Anonymous blog, right? So...we have to relate this fantastic golf tournament (and virtually perfect golf course) to the bad golfers of the world. How's this: You'll never play this course. Ever.

Never ever.

Not even if you had billions. Because Hootie don't mess around. Hootie doesn't do a single thing that Hootie doesn't want to do. Because he's Hootie. If your name were Hootie and you were the dictator of Augusta National...you'd be the same way. Don't even try to front.

The Masters tournament on television is the closest we bad golfers will ever be to this beautiful course.

And here's the kicker: it's better this way. Trust me. If a bad golfer were to somehow strike gold and get invited to play a round at Augusta National...his score would be so atrocious as to make him impale himself on his putter. Nothing takes the grandeur and spectacle out of an amazing golf course like quadruple bogeys on every hole. Amen Corner? Yeah, I think we bad golfers would be saying the Lord's name a lot, but we likely wouldn't be praying.

Pros make it look easy, it's one of the reasons we hate them (like it's not enough that you're able to drive the ball 330 yards...you have to make it look like a four-year old could do it). Make no mistake: Augusta National is hard. Way hard. For a bad golfer to actually play the thing...would ruin it.

My favorite Masters moment is the YouTube video above...Tiger's gut-check chip-in from a few years ago. Watched it live and couldn't stop shouting after it went in. Man, he is a robot. A really excellent-at-golf robot.