Thursday, April 26, 2007

Bad Golfers Take Time Out For Fun

We're so bad at golf, we need timeouts here and there to kick back and have fun. If we didn't take time to laugh, we'd go insane...or, we'd keep playing golf and actually improve.

Yeah, that's probably another of my many "reasons you're a bad golfer" right there: you take time out for fun. Professional golfers don't do this. It could be because they have too much money at stake. Or maybe they're perfectionists who practice all the time. Perhaps they just hate fun and have giant, pokey sticks up their butts. It could be any of these reasons (though we all know it's the latter), but the point is that professional golfers have lost their sense of fun.

To them, it's all business.

And I think that's really sad. They've lost their way. They're uptight, haughty, and anti-fun. I suppose you could make an argument that John Daly's self-destructive lifestyle of booze, betting, and women is an attempt at having fun (though's his way of crying for help, now isn't it? Help finding women who love fat gambling golfers). But even if we accept that Daly knows how to have fun...we have to remember that he's already been classified as a Bad Golfer. So he just proves the rule even more.

Bad Golfers take time out for fun. Good golfers are so serious about the game that they get mad at you for laughing during their backswing.

Now...since we've drawn the line yet again between us and the pros...and we're reveling in the fact that we know how to have a good time...let's look at some funny golf-related clips from YouTube and cackle and guffaw while the pros are all out on the driving range hitting their 500th 6-iron shot.

Well, I hope that was a good few laughs for you. Remember...if you can't laugh at yourself...laugh at your buddy. Just make sure to laugh at something.

Monday, April 16, 2007

You're Not Already A Professional (Are You A Bad Golfer, Vol. 3)

We're fond of saying, "If you're a bad golfer...deep down, you know it." The reason is that you need to admit you have a problem before you can move on. But I understand that it takes time.

We all want to be professionals. We all think we have it in us. But we don't. How do we know? Because we want it. You see? We know we're bad golfers because we're not already professionals.

There are several reasons that this is the spot where we all get stuck...never able to transition to professional golfer from average golfer:

1. Natural Awkwardness. There are those know those guys...that are just not gifted for athletics. (Girls too, I suppose, to be fair and equal). They throw like girls. They can't even run. Otherwise they may be totally normal, even cool. Just not...athletic. Well, some of those guys are avid bad golfers. They'll never be good. Sorry. Blame the genetics.

I'm not hatin'. I'm just saying...those poor guys will have to use science in life, not sports. So their reason for never becoming professional golfers is that they were born with a natural awkwardness. Sorry're always going to suck at sports...sports movies notwithstanding. Girls, alas, will also be forever beyond your grasp. Try reading a book or something.

2. We Can't Freaking Afford It!! Golf is expensive, man. Have you played recently? Be prepared to pay a lot if you haven't.

Now, how many rounds of golf do you think Tiger Woods plays in a week? Well, tournament weeks, he plays a minimum of four. But he probably plays nearly every day.

or less? You may improve, sure...but you'll never get over the hump unless you play a TON. Let's beDo you honestly think you can get better at golf playing once a week conservative and say that the average professional golfer plays 5 rounds of golf a week (and that's being very conservative, considering four tournament rounds and one practice round...I'm pretty sure they all play more than this, even when they miss the cut).

How much you spend on a round of golf certainly depends on which course you play. There are public courses you can find that are in the $20's. Most courses I've played are high $30's for 18 and a cart. A few are in the $50's or higher. Let's be conservative and say $30 average for a round of golf.

So for you and I to play as frequently as a professional golfer in a year, it's 30 x 260, $7,800 a year to play enough to really be great. And that's only greens fees and cart rentals. That's not counting the cost of driving range buckets, clubs, gloves, accessories, lessons, hot dogs, or beer.

Who has that kind of money? I'll tell you who...the people who get to the PGA. Rich white people (no disrespect to Vee-Jay and Tiger and other exceptions). It tries very hard, the PGA, to not come across as an elitist, snobby sport. But it fails miserably. Heck, just hiring a British announcer is a dead giveaway. They make it impossible for anyone but doctor's kids and lawyer's kids and mixed-race golf-robots raised on the game in the womb.

I can think of a salary that I could theoretically make that would allow me to spend eight thousand bucks a year on golf...but I don't actually make that salary. Few golfers I know do. Because the ones who do are all professional golfers already! Good luck,'re screwed. You can't afford it.

3. Beer. You ever see a professional golfer, on a tournament, toss his putter to his caddy, who hands him an ice cold Budweiser, which the pro drinks and pours on his face? No? There's a reason. No, it's not censorship. No it's not because it's unsuitable for viewing. It's because beer makes you drunk. Seriously. It's not a myth. Drinking beer will not improve your golf game, and it has--in fact--been scientifically proven to make it worse.

Can't imagine a round of golf with your buddies that doesn't include beer? Well...that's why you're a bad golfer. Beer may appear to improve social encounters, it has no power whatsoever over your duck hook. The best part is...because you're think you're playing better. Happy golfing,'ll never be good, but at least you can blame the beer.

So there you have it. The biggest three reasons why we're not professional golfers. Because we're not professionals...we're bad golfers. Learn to admit, and embrace it, my friends. The game's a whole lot more fun. Until you least we have each other. And this blog.

And beer.

And Natalie Gulbis. We'll always have Gulbis.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

BGA Now On Technorati!

We've recently signed up over at Technorati. We hope this will gain us some more readers while also helping us connect to more bloggers and find even better golf-related content to serve up. If you run a blog, I highly recommend you sign up for Technorati and claim your blog. You can get all sorts of data and networking opportunities within that community.

Technorati Profile

Bad Golf Fun!!

Even a bad golfer needs to take some time out now and then to point at other golfers who are even worse and laugh at them. Putting others down builds self-esteem, especially for golfers.

So sit back, relax, and while you're watching these videos and looking at the images, remind yourself to be thankful that, even though you're very bad at golf, at least you're not this bad.

Here's a funny commercial for Bogey Golf. If you're a Bad Golfer, you've been here:

Bad Golfer At Driving Range - Amazing videos are here

Now here's a hilarious video of Bobby Knight--yes, that Bobby Knight. Seems that when he's not throwing chairs around (sorry, easy joke), he enjoys the occasional round of golf. Unless he's playing badly.

This video is full of NSFW (Not Safe For Work) language, but then again, I'm pretty sure that any time Bobby Knight opens his mouth it's for language that is not safe for work. Appears to be outtakes from some sort of taped golf segment with the coach. Funny--but vulgar--stuff.

Now we have a two-parter. Two golf-related scenes from one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes ever. (I think Kramer is an honorary member of the Bad Golfers Anonymous).

So Kramer goes on his own and hits golf balls into the ocean. Now the second part:

Well, it's been tons of fun, folks. Hope you enjoyed a little humor today. Golf is a tough game. You'll never make it if you can't laugh at yourself. But even if you can't laugh at yourself, at least learn to laugh at someone else, like John Daly. John's always good for a chuckle.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Disc Golf is Weird (Are You A Bad Golfer, Volume 2)

How can you tell if you're a bad golfer? I realize that it should be obvious to you, but some people just can't tell. So this series of posts is designed to help you discern if you are a bad golfer.

If you find yourself an avid Disc're a bad golfer. If you've given up swinging a club at a little white ball in favor of throwing a frisbee at a metal-chain're a bad golfer. You're so bad, in fact, that you no longer even play real golf.

Disc Golf is what happens to a lot of bad golfers. And I understand its appeal. It's regular golf, only lazier--if that's even possible. It's actually a mash-up of Frisbee and real golf. My personal experience with Disc Golf reveals that a lot of its supporters are old men, hippies, and old hippies. There are, I guess, a few exceptions.

Disc Golf is essentially a slightly fancier version of that childhood game we all played called Throw Frisbees at Trees...only the trees are replaced by metal poles and chain baskets. Otherwise? Same. Exact. Game.

I mean, who is the guy who said, "You know what? Golf is just too darn hard. I'm going to make it easier and even more harmless by replacing those pesky clubs and balls with a flying disc." I mean, that's like switching from baseball to wiffle-ball. Or going from hockey to curling. Or from football to...paper football.

What I have to ask is: what's to stop the onset of a hundred other pseudo golfs by taking any and every other sport and mashing it up with golf? How about Pigskin Golf? It's just like Disc Golf only instead of throwing a frisbee, you kick a football. Or Baseball Golf. It's just like Disc Golf only instead of throwing a frisbee, you throw up a baseball and hit it with a bat. Putts are bunts.

I hereby announce the invention of two new sports (and their respective governing agencies), created by following Disc Golf's method of taking a pre-existing (and perfectly great) game and lame-ing it up by incorporating elements of a lazier, more girly sport.

1. Weeble Chess. It's like real chess, only instead of chess pieces, you use Weebles. Trust me, it makes everything more fun.

2. Race Car Idling. It's just like NASCAR, only instead of driving around in circles...everyone just leaves it in park and lets their engine idle. Last car to run out of gas wins.

To those of you who love Disc Golf and take offense to my apparent bashing of your "sport," let me just say this: "I'm surprised you geezer hippies know how to use the internet."

Monday, April 2, 2007

The Masters 2007 at Augusta National

Ahhh yes, The Masters. The mother of all golf tournaments. The one weekend a year when African Americans are welcome on the fairways of the fine southern state of Georgia. The one weekend a year when chauvenists rule and feminists drool (in your face, Martha Burke). The one tournament you're virtually guaranteed will be won by one of the "big names." The most-watched PGA event of the year.

It's Masters time, folks. And to mark that occasion, I think we should all say thanks to Uncle Hootie for throwing this here shindig.

Oh, but this is the Bad Golfers Anonymous blog, right? So...we have to relate this fantastic golf tournament (and virtually perfect golf course) to the bad golfers of the world. How's this: You'll never play this course. Ever.

Never ever.

Not even if you had billions. Because Hootie don't mess around. Hootie doesn't do a single thing that Hootie doesn't want to do. Because he's Hootie. If your name were Hootie and you were the dictator of Augusta'd be the same way. Don't even try to front.

The Masters tournament on television is the closest we bad golfers will ever be to this beautiful course.

And here's the kicker: it's better this way. Trust me. If a bad golfer were to somehow strike gold and get invited to play a round at Augusta National...his score would be so atrocious as to make him impale himself on his putter. Nothing takes the grandeur and spectacle out of an amazing golf course like quadruple bogeys on every hole. Amen Corner? Yeah, I think we bad golfers would be saying the Lord's name a lot, but we likely wouldn't be praying.

Pros make it look easy, it's one of the reasons we hate them (like it's not enough that you're able to drive the ball 330 have to make it look like a four-year old could do it). Make no mistake: Augusta National is hard. Way hard. For a bad golfer to actually play the thing...would ruin it.

My favorite Masters moment is the YouTube video above...Tiger's gut-check chip-in from a few years ago. Watched it live and couldn't stop shouting after it went in. Man, he is a robot. A really excellent-at-golf robot.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Sand Traps Own You (Are You A Bad Golfer, Volume 1)

I generally think that if you are a bad know it. Now, you may be in denial. You may be overly optimistic. But on some level, deep down, you know.

But just in case you don't know it, can't see it, or are slow in admitting it, this series of posts is designed to help you tell whether or not you are a bad golfer:

You’re horrible out of the sand traps.

I don’t know a single non-professional golfer who can even remotely handle a sand trap. My friend Dave practically hyperventilates every time his ball lands in one, shaking violently and murmuring “Mommy!” over and over again.

See, only a professional can look at a hazard and say, “I will practice hitting shots out of this hazard until I have mastered it.” And that’s what they do, which is why the sand shot is one of the easiest shots possible for the pros. I once heard an announcer talking about how Tiger Woods had actually aimed his shot at the bunker, because a bunker shot was easier for him than any other approach option available to him. (Side note: it’s bad enough that we can’t hit out of the bunker, now these pros are actually AIMING at them. Show-offs).

A bad golfer (a hacker, a duffer, etc.) looks at hazards and says, “Man, it’ll take forever for me to get good at hitting shots from there, so instead of practicing I’ll just avoid these hazards by aiming away from them.” Of course, bad golfers aren’t typically as much in control of their shots aim as they’d like to believe, so from time to time every bad golfer finds a trap.

Apparently the trick is to hit behind the ball, letting the sand push the ball out and up, but I wouldn’t know because my eyes are always closed to keep the annoying (and painful) grains of sand out of my eye.

And you can always tell when a bad golfer has visited a sand trap before you. Aside from the obvious un-raked footprints, there will usually be three to seven divots in one place, indicating the bad golfer’s many attempts to clear the hazard.

Bad Golfers can’t hit out of the sand. Period. If you somehow can miraculously hit out of the sand trap with consistency and yet still fail to break 90…you are the exception to the rule, my friend. And I’d be aiming for the traps if I were you. You gotta showcase your strengths.

The rest of us will just have to continue to suffer.

Monday, February 26, 2007

The BGA 12 Steps

  1. We admitted we were powerless over golf—that our golf games had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves—namely the golf gods--could restore our golf games to their prior glory.
  3. Made a decision to turn our golf games—and all golf-related wagers—over to the golf gods… as we understood them.
  4. Made a token and half-hearted moral inventory of ourselves, and found ourselves to be awesome no matter what our score.
  5. Admitted to the golf gods, to ourselves, and to our playing partners the exact nature of our mediocrity, and embraced it.
  6. Were entirely ready to continue to plunk down large chunks of cash for the privilege of taking 112 or more strokes per round.
  7. Humbly asked the golf gods to please-for-the-love-of-all-things-holy just give us one good shot per round.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, including those for whom we forgot to yell “Fore!” and became willing to make amends to them all in the form of beer, hot dogs, or other post-round snack bar item.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would cause injury to ourselves in the form of us getting our butts kicked by the guys we kept hitting into all day long.
  10. Continued to take inventory of others in our foursome, harping on their golf game’s shortcomings despite the overwhelming evidence on the scorecard that we don’t have any idea what we’re talking about.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our contact with the golf gods as we understood them, praying only for birdies, eagles, holes-in-one, and other shots not possible with our own power and skill level.
  12. Having had a spiritual golf awakening, as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to bad golfers everywhere, and to practice these principles in all our rounds of golf, so that all bad golfers may embrace their mediocrity and begin enjoying golf again.