Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Disc Golf is Weird (Are You A Bad Golfer, Volume 2)

How can you tell if you're a bad golfer? I realize that it should be obvious to you, but some people just can't tell. So this series of posts is designed to help you discern if you are a bad golfer.

If you find yourself an avid Disc Golfer...you're a bad golfer. If you've given up swinging a club at a little white ball in favor of throwing a frisbee at a metal-chain basket...you're a bad golfer. You're so bad, in fact, that you no longer even play real golf.

Disc Golf is what happens to a lot of bad golfers. And I understand its appeal. It's regular golf, only lazier--if that's even possible. It's actually a mash-up of Frisbee and real golf. My personal experience with Disc Golf reveals that a lot of its supporters are old men, hippies, and old hippies. There are, I guess, a few exceptions.

Disc Golf is essentially a slightly fancier version of that childhood game we all played called Throw Frisbees at Trees...only the trees are replaced by metal poles and chain baskets. Otherwise? Same. Exact. Game.

I mean, who is the guy who said, "You know what? Golf is just too darn hard. I'm going to make it easier and even more harmless by replacing those pesky clubs and balls with a flying disc." I mean, that's like switching from baseball to wiffle-ball. Or going from hockey to curling. Or from football to...paper football.

What I have to ask is: what's to stop the onset of a hundred other pseudo golfs by taking any and every other sport and mashing it up with golf? How about Pigskin Golf? It's just like Disc Golf only instead of throwing a frisbee, you kick a football. Or Baseball Golf. It's just like Disc Golf only instead of throwing a frisbee, you throw up a baseball and hit it with a bat. Putts are bunts.

I hereby announce the invention of two new sports (and their respective governing agencies), created by following Disc Golf's method of taking a pre-existing (and perfectly great) game and lame-ing it up by incorporating elements of a lazier, more girly sport.

1. Weeble Chess. It's like real chess, only instead of chess pieces, you use Weebles. Trust me, it makes everything more fun.

2. Race Car Idling. It's just like NASCAR, only instead of driving around in circles...everyone just leaves it in park and lets their engine idle. Last car to run out of gas wins.

To those of you who love Disc Golf and take offense to my apparent bashing of your "sport," let me just say this: "I'm surprised you geezer hippies know how to use the internet."

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