Monday, April 16, 2007

You're Not Already A Professional (Are You A Bad Golfer, Vol. 3)

We're fond of saying, "If you're a bad golfer...deep down, you know it." The reason is that you need to admit you have a problem before you can move on. But I understand that it takes time.

We all want to be professionals. We all think we have it in us. But we don't. How do we know? Because we want it. You see? We know we're bad golfers because we're not already professionals.

There are several reasons that this is the spot where we all get stuck...never able to transition to professional golfer from average golfer:

1. Natural Awkwardness. There are those know those guys...that are just not gifted for athletics. (Girls too, I suppose, to be fair and equal). They throw like girls. They can't even run. Otherwise they may be totally normal, even cool. Just not...athletic. Well, some of those guys are avid bad golfers. They'll never be good. Sorry. Blame the genetics.

I'm not hatin'. I'm just saying...those poor guys will have to use science in life, not sports. So their reason for never becoming professional golfers is that they were born with a natural awkwardness. Sorry're always going to suck at sports...sports movies notwithstanding. Girls, alas, will also be forever beyond your grasp. Try reading a book or something.

2. We Can't Freaking Afford It!! Golf is expensive, man. Have you played recently? Be prepared to pay a lot if you haven't.

Now, how many rounds of golf do you think Tiger Woods plays in a week? Well, tournament weeks, he plays a minimum of four. But he probably plays nearly every day.

or less? You may improve, sure...but you'll never get over the hump unless you play a TON. Let's beDo you honestly think you can get better at golf playing once a week conservative and say that the average professional golfer plays 5 rounds of golf a week (and that's being very conservative, considering four tournament rounds and one practice round...I'm pretty sure they all play more than this, even when they miss the cut).

How much you spend on a round of golf certainly depends on which course you play. There are public courses you can find that are in the $20's. Most courses I've played are high $30's for 18 and a cart. A few are in the $50's or higher. Let's be conservative and say $30 average for a round of golf.

So for you and I to play as frequently as a professional golfer in a year, it's 30 x 260, $7,800 a year to play enough to really be great. And that's only greens fees and cart rentals. That's not counting the cost of driving range buckets, clubs, gloves, accessories, lessons, hot dogs, or beer.

Who has that kind of money? I'll tell you who...the people who get to the PGA. Rich white people (no disrespect to Vee-Jay and Tiger and other exceptions). It tries very hard, the PGA, to not come across as an elitist, snobby sport. But it fails miserably. Heck, just hiring a British announcer is a dead giveaway. They make it impossible for anyone but doctor's kids and lawyer's kids and mixed-race golf-robots raised on the game in the womb.

I can think of a salary that I could theoretically make that would allow me to spend eight thousand bucks a year on golf...but I don't actually make that salary. Few golfers I know do. Because the ones who do are all professional golfers already! Good luck,'re screwed. You can't afford it.

3. Beer. You ever see a professional golfer, on a tournament, toss his putter to his caddy, who hands him an ice cold Budweiser, which the pro drinks and pours on his face? No? There's a reason. No, it's not censorship. No it's not because it's unsuitable for viewing. It's because beer makes you drunk. Seriously. It's not a myth. Drinking beer will not improve your golf game, and it has--in fact--been scientifically proven to make it worse.

Can't imagine a round of golf with your buddies that doesn't include beer? Well...that's why you're a bad golfer. Beer may appear to improve social encounters, it has no power whatsoever over your duck hook. The best part is...because you're think you're playing better. Happy golfing,'ll never be good, but at least you can blame the beer.

So there you have it. The biggest three reasons why we're not professional golfers. Because we're not professionals...we're bad golfers. Learn to admit, and embrace it, my friends. The game's a whole lot more fun. Until you least we have each other. And this blog.

And beer.

And Natalie Gulbis. We'll always have Gulbis.

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