Disc Golf is Weird (Are You A Bad Golfer, Volume 2)

How can you tell if you're a bad golfer? I realize that it should be obvious to you, but some people just can't tell. So this series of posts is designed to help you discern if you are a bad golfer.



If you find yourself an avid Disc Golfer...you're a bad golfer. If you've given up swinging a club at a little white ball in favor of throwing a frisbee at a metal-chain basket...you're a bad golfer. You're so bad, in fact, that you no longer even play real golf.

Disc Golf is what happens to a lot of bad golfers. And I understand its appeal. It's regular golf, only lazier--if that's even possible. It's actually a mash-up of Frisbee and real golf. My personal experience with Disc Golf reveals that a lot of its supporters are old men, hippies, and old hippies. There are, I guess, a few exceptions.

Disc Golf is essentially a slightly fancier version of that childhood game we all played called Throw Frisbees at Trees...only the trees are replaced by metal poles and chain baskets. Otherwise? Same. Exact. Game.

I mean, who is the guy who said, "You know what? Golf is just too darn hard. I'm going to make it easier and even more harmless by replacing those pesky clubs and balls with a flying disc." I mean, that's like switching from baseball to wiffle-ball. Or going from hockey to curling. Or from football to...paper football.

What I have to ask is: what's to stop the onset of a hundred other pseudo golfs by taking any and every other sport and mashing it up with golf? How about Pigskin Golf? It's just like Disc Golf only instead of throwing a frisbee, you kick a football. Or Baseball Golf. It's just like Disc Golf only instead of throwing a frisbee, you throw up a baseball and hit it with a bat. Putts are bunts.

I hereby announce the invention of two new sports (and their respective governing agencies), created by following Disc Golf's method of taking a pre-existing (and perfectly great) game and lame-ing it up by incorporating elements of a lazier, more girly sport.

1. Weeble Chess. It's like real chess, only instead of chess pieces, you use Weebles. Trust me, it makes everything more fun.

2. Race Car Idling. It's just like NASCAR, only instead of driving around in circles...everyone just leaves it in park and lets their engine idle. Last car to run out of gas wins.

To those of you who love Disc Golf and take offense to my apparent bashing of your "sport," let me just say this: "I'm surprised you geezer hippies know how to use the internet."

Sand Traps Own You (Are You A Bad Golfer, Volume 1)

I generally think that if you are a bad golfer...you know it. Now, you may be in denial. You may be overly optimistic. But on some level, deep down, you know.

But just in case you don't know it, can't see it, or are slow in admitting it, this series of posts is designed to help you tell whether or not you are a bad golfer:

You’re horrible out of the sand traps.

I don’t know a single non-professional golfer who can even remotely handle a sand trap. My friend Dave practically hyperventilates every time his ball lands in one, shaking violently and murmuring “Mommy!” over and over again.

See, only a professional can look at a hazard and say, “I will practice hitting shots out of this hazard until I have mastered it.” And that’s what they do, which is why the sand shot is one of the easiest shots possible for the pros. I once heard an announcer talking about how Tiger Woods had actually aimed his shot at the bunker, because a bunker shot was easier for him than any other approach option available to him. (Side note: it’s bad enough that we can’t hit out of the bunker, now these pros are actually AIMING at them. Show-offs).

A bad golfer (a hacker, a duffer, etc.) looks at hazards and says, “Man, it’ll take forever for me to get good at hitting shots from there, so instead of practicing I’ll just avoid these hazards by aiming away from them.” Of course, bad golfers aren’t typically as much in control of their shots aim as they’d like to believe, so from time to time every bad golfer finds a trap.

Apparently the trick is to hit behind the ball, letting the sand push the ball out and up, but I wouldn’t know because my eyes are always closed to keep the annoying (and painful) grains of sand out of my eye.

And you can always tell when a bad golfer has visited a sand trap before you. Aside from the obvious un-raked footprints, there will usually be three to seven divots in one place, indicating the bad golfer’s many attempts to clear the hazard.

Bad Golfers can’t hit out of the sand. Period. If you somehow can miraculously hit out of the sand trap with consistency and yet still fail to break 90…you are the exception to the rule, my friend. And I’d be aiming for the traps if I were you. You gotta showcase your strengths.

The rest of us will just have to continue to suffer.